Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Bacon: It's why I am not Jewish

I love Bacon. I love bacon flavored bacon. I love bacon bits, bacon fried bacon, and my favorite, smuggled bacon aka bacon I steal from the humans.  If I could marry bacon, I would. Then I would become widowed every few days. But my human has decided to replace that bacony baconed bacon with TURKEY bacon! WTH?  That's not even real bacon, it's like replacing grease with water or lard with bean juice. It is a sacrilege.

I hold bacon sacred. It is religious experience for me really. When stupid human pops open a nice fresh package of PORK bacon, I come under the trance of it.It summons me like a spirit calling my name.  It is like my very own spiritual calling. It is the reason I have never been interested in the Jewish faith. I have no problem with Moses, in fact, I find Judaism a beautiful, loving religion, but I find bacon fulfills my spiritual needs more-after all, I am a Basset hound.

For the record, I could never be Hindu either-I love beef to much. In fact, I find it hard to be a Catholic as well because I am not sure I can go without the beef, chicken or pork during Lent on Fridays, but I digress.

So I am at a dilemmia in my life...what should I do without bacon?  I could take up chasing tennis balls or being kind to kitties. Oh who am I kidding...

I'm going to pray about this. Then meditate about it. Then, perhaps, then we can witness a miracle-hallejulah!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Abbie-1 Beady Eyes-2 Booooooo!

The Beady Eyed one scored big this Christmas. Maybe because she is so old the humans feel sorry for her. Or maybe the cheap humans are not willing to pay the extra surcharge for plus size Snuggies for Bassets.  Who cares? I got a nice new Old Navy fleece blanket.

Check out Beady eyes with her shoes...

Then Beady eyes got a Snuggie too!
I scored a sweet treat and new sweater but refused to put it on.  

Humans says I am getting a spa treatment this week that will include my nails clipped and ears cleaned. I should smell nice and bassetly sweet just in time for the New Year. Overall, I had a nice Christmas.  I claimed the sofa in the name of myself while the humans acted like goof-balls and opened presents.

Hope you all had a nice Christmas.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas from the Human and Me!

Now take the dorky hat off me and get me some food! Abbie

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Abbie Hound Poetry: A Christmas Gift

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all was awesome
Not a creature was stirring, not even my possum.

The stockings were hung by my human with care,
In hopes that Bark and Beg treats would be there;

The little humans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of chewed Webkinzs danced in their heads;

And me in my 'kerchief, and laying in a lap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When in the kitchen arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the lap to see what was the matter.

Away  to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the refrig, I thought I smelled hash.

The Christmas ham glistened, like meat covered snow
If I gave it taste, would anyone know?

When, what to my droopy eyes should appear,
But an angry old human, one I don't fear.

With a howl and bark, I grabbed it quick,
And ate it so fast, I thought I'd be sick.

More rapid than beagles the others they came,
like the smell of ham had called them by  name;

"Now, Beady Eyes, now Obie, and Trixie dog too
The refrig door is open and it's calling for you

To the top of the freezer! go ahead and climb the wall!
Now gash away! hash away! dash away all!"

As dry heaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
They gagged and hagged and thought they would die,

So out to the yard-top the high grass they flew,
With the half chewed up ham and some bacon bits too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard like a poof
The gagging had stopped like it all was a spoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Out the back door the stupid human came with a bound.

She was dressed with no makeup, not a shoe on her foot,
And her clothes were all tarnished with ham glaze and soot;

A bundle of nerves as she headed out back,
And she looked all crazy while chasing our pack.

Her eyes -- how they blackened and she was not merry!
Her cheeks were all swollen, her upper lip-hairy.

Her great big mouth shooting insults like a bow,
She was mad, she was hot, like we really should know;

That the ham wasn't ours, that we gashed with our teeth,
And the sickness insued in a circle like a wreath;

She said we deserved it if it hurt our belly,
And dogs shouldn't eat things like Christmas ham and jelly

But I'm chubby and plump and I act like an elf,
And wanted that Christmas ham, in spite of myself;

A blink of her eye and a shake of her head,
My ham grab had given what my stomach should dread;

She spoke not a word, but thought hard of her work,
I had eaten in seconds with merely a jerk,

And pointing her finger right at my long nose,
She fussed at me like water from a hose;

Then she sprang to her feet and gave a whistle,
And grabbed her washclothes, mop and Bissell.

And I heard her exclaim as she walked out of sight,
Dogs shoulda eat dog treats, not my Christmas ham tonight."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What an ugly cat!

Guess what I found picking at my dog food bin?

This is the UGLIEST CAT I have ever seen!
For goodness sake, will someone come claim this ugly little feline
and get it out of my yard.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Bark & Beg-The Drama Begins

This is ridiculous.  Remember my treat tasting with Bark & Beg Treats?  Yea, I did my thing. I loved the treats. I even had my human save me one so I could savor the taste again.

Okay, remember Beady Eyes? She is the family dog. She has been around longer than I, longer than the little humans, and even longer that the Oldman. She helped the "stupid human" get through college and get pass time while being a lonely old maid. Yep, she has been around forever.  She looks like a cross between Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers sans the Botox. I mean really, what the hell is wrong with this poodle terrier aka POO/TER hair? It looks like crap but I digress.

Notice the small human hands in the background of this picture. And this is why I am so upset.  The little human GAVE the Beady Eyed one MY TREAT!! IT WAS MY TREAT! It did NOT belong to the Beady Eyed One! The Beady Eyed One does not have her initials on the special 10% offer for those who order Bark & Beg Treats- it is MY initials. Which, by the way is, 10ABH when you place your order online.

If that is not bad enough, the Beady Eyed One, who eats with her mouth full, which is gross, AND makes a mess when she eats, which is ALSO gross, made a big deal about it.

She even had the nerve to taunt me and tell me that she was enjoying MY Bark & Beg Treat. How dare her?

I am disqusted again.

What is wrong with these humans? Little human knew better. Guess that Webkinz is history when you wake up, little Human.  Sorry! But seriously, it was MY treat. And I DON'T share!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Santa get me some Bark and Beg Gourmet Dog Treats

I ended up on the nice list. I just know I did. For starters, its been three whole days since I refrained from grabbing the taco tray. I have left the pesky elves alone. I have not performed a no-no on the carpet in weeks. And, I have left the Christmas tree alone completely.

I just know I am on Santa's nice list..

So Santa, if you are reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get me some Bark and Beg treats. You know I love them and here's why...

I love them because they are handmade for ME (and other dogs, but mostly me).

I love them because they use all natural ingredients. NO artificial colors. chemicals, salts, perservatives or stinky by -products, which means no nasty chicken guts or lips and ...  well, you know-it's all healthy and natural.

I love them because they use just a touch of Safflower oil. And why would I love that...well my Doctor told my human that if she wanted me to stop shedding all over her clothes, furniture, and in the car (cause you know I love a good road trip) then start placing a small bit of safflower oil over my dog food. Human loves these treats because it is perfect to give me that little extra I need to stop shedding without the hassle of stopping my feeding time to garnish it with oil.  That's right- I get the best of both worlds with these treats. And I get a beautiful smooth coat. So there, Obie!

Don't believe me...just check out my pictures.  So good, I didn't try to take off my humans fingers because I knew I might not get my treat!

Through this exclusive offer from Bark & Beg Gourmet Dog Treats through my site, you (human) can receive a 10% discount on your online order. 
Just mention code 10ABH and tell Abbie sent ya! 
Seriously, human feeders-do the right thing, treat your hounds to Bark & Beg treats.  It's where Santa Paws shops, dontchaknow!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Nuff said!

Aaaarrrrooooooolllllllll Tide!
Congrats Mark Ingram!

You rock my world.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I hate reindeers

Oh great! Here is another picture of me looking like a freakin' Christmas idiot! Thanks a lot, STUPID HUMAN. Since you are surprising me and my fans with so many "fun" pictures, why don't ya say I surprise you with a little "somethun, somethun" later on today.

But stock in Bissell, Stupid Human, buy stock in Bissell.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm a Ho Ho Ho

Ho wlllllll  Ho  wlllllll Ho wllll
Merry Stinking Christmas

Do you honestly think this will get me in the Christmas Spirit?
Give me a break!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Obie-The Wonder Dog aka I'm jealous of such coolness

Ok humans and hounds, do you have a relative that you get compared to all the time?  Oh, I know you do. We all do.  Example: Why can't you not shed like Betsy the poodle? Why can't you poop in a box like Little Leo kitty?  Why can't you sing like Polly the Parrot?

Well, my achilles heel is Obie! My country cousin in the glorious land known as Tennessee. 

For starters, this dog has it made. He lives on a huge farm with rolling hills.  His humans adore him, I believe even more so than my humans adore me.  He gets to rule an entire pack of cattle and when no one is looking, he can mark his territory in a split second, while gracefully displaying both charm and elegance.  Seriously, he is like the cool Marlboro man without the nicotine stained teeth.

My human loves this dog. When she returns from Tennessee she says, "Hey Abbie, why can't you chase a ball like Obie?"  (Because I am busy planning my world domination). "Hey Abbie, why can't you have smooth fur like Obie?"  (Because "Samson" has a better brush and I hate when you brush me). Or, "Hey Abbie, why can't you sit when I tell you too? (well, stupid human, I am short and stout, so when I am sitting, you cannot tell and when I am standing, you cannot tell).

But the one thing I am jealous about is this... OBIE POSES FOR PICTURES!!

Seriously, I don't know what modeling school he went to or what runway he works when he is not chasing cows but this dog poses.  I mean, he sees a camera, he strikes a pose and smiles.

OBIE-WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PURINA!!! Your humans have you trained!  Oh, you think you are the one in control but I can assure you, those humans are selling you out, buddy.  Do they hand feed you vittles? Oh, I bet if they do, you probably are so nice you don't even take off a finger or two.  And here is the rumor I hear *gasp*  you have cats in residence and you don't even try to eat them?  Good grief!

This is Obie. Check out that confidence! Check out that super smooth coat! Check out that Tim Tebowish greatness!  Oh gag!

But I must admit, he is a darn good looking canine.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Talking it out with my human!

I gots a problem! My stupid human talks all the time. I cannot get a howl in edgewise. I try, I really do. I complain and she makes me go outside. I growl and she makes me go to my bed.  My little humans dress me like a baby and Beady Eyes and Princess Geritol have not a clue that I am really a human.  But the old man, yes the old, hairy  man of the house understands me. And here is the reason why...he is like me.  We look kinda alike, we smell kinda alike, we both have excessive hair although, he is hairer than I, and we both like beer, bacon, and BBQ. And the oldman nary speaks. It is like we are BFFs. 

Here is the problem...the old man goes back to work this week from vacation. That means I will be stuck in the house with the stupid human, the little humans, and Beady Eyes and Princess Geritol.  And to top it off, it is suppose to snow in the morning which means, I will be stuck in the house listenting to the constant chatter of female humans. But my oldman understands this and treats the way I should be treated, he just leaves me alone and lets me talk.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This one's for you, Domino Hound!

Feeling frisky?

Again, we must not tell the human.

This one's for you Mr. Pinkerton!

Throw me some beads!

Shhhhhh! Don't tell human I have posted this or she will ground me from the computer and place a hound guard on it. She hates when I post pictures like this but seriously, when you got, flawnt it! Right?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Dedicated to the Crimson Tide...

Ok human! You love the Tide, I get that. Your dad played for the Tide, I get that. I had to withhold my bark during the game as you had your anxiety attack, I get that...but really human, really, do you think it is necessary to sink me to this level?

By the way, the little human looks adorable!

Friday, November 27, 2009

I'm back!

Well, it is about 38degrees outside and it is cold. I may be mad. I may think the humans are real jerks. But I realize that no matter how insulting I think the humans are to my intelligence, they still offer a warm, cozy bed.

That's it-I'm gone!

I'm outta here folks. First you throw out my recliner!!! Seriously a little vomit with corn and chicken and you act like big pansies about it. I would have helped you out but NOOOOO, so off with it's head, or should I say, headrest!

Second, you stuck me in the garage with Beady Eyes and Princess Geritol! The little one is annoying and I swear I hear the bones cracking in the old one. Ridiculous!

Third, you inform me that unless I sit quietly so you can watch the Iron Bowl-not the food bowl-Iron Bowl, then I either go outside or lay down and sleep. Are you kidding? Ummm, did you not see all those squirrels gathering nuts in the backyard? They need me to cheer them on or those little tree monkeys will starve to death this winter. Duh!

So forget it, I'm outta here. I'm gone! Adios! Hosta La Vista, baby! See ya later, alligator... I'm bein' like a tree and leafin! Don't try to stop me.

Seriously, I'm gone. The door ain't even hittin' me in the backside.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Oh my belly...

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet. 

First I spotted the tray...

Then I attempted the grab        
And this is the final result...

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  Oh my belly!  Aaaaaaarrrrrooooooo!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And they wonder why I am neurotic...

Seriously humans, if you had to wake up to this face every morning, wouldn't you create your own blog just to escape the insanity of the humans.

God help me!

Monday, November 23, 2009

In Memoriam: My Recliner

You were my best friend.  The little human threw up on you. It was a death puke.  You died a valiant death. You stood strong among the spew and smell. You were my life. You were my recliner. 

We had fun times together you and I. Remember when I hunkered down in you whenever the human wanted to take me running. You were my strength. You were the wind beneath my wings.

I am in mourning for you, my recliner. I miss you. I see you sitting my the curb awaiting your final destination. I am sad. I am crying. Aaaaaaarrroooooooooo, my heart hurts. My recliner, my life. I shall miss you.

Silly Bandz Basset

Have you seen those stupid plastic silly bandz?  My little humans act like they are crack when they see them-they get all shaky and google eyed-it's crazy. And the things are obnoxious too. I mean really, who the hell wants to wear rubber hair accessories, in stupid shapes no doubt?  Who in the world would want to sink to a stupid human level just to fit in? Who really needs to wear a piece of colored, cheap elastic to be accepted into this culture?

Oh nevermind!

Saturday, November 21, 2009


You call me a Basket Hound
I'll be a Basket Hound

Just Sayin'

Friday, November 20, 2009

Oh Howl No!

The freaky elf is fishing in MY fishtank.  Human got the tank JUST FOR ME to admire my fish and that elf thinks it's gonna have some sushi?  Oh HOWL no!

Just for the record, I have tolerated you and your buddy for a few days now but let me say this... Beady Eyes and I have made a plan to eliminate you from your jolly old St. Nick of a good time in our house. You cannot just come in here and take attention from us. I will get you little elf and your friend, too! And for the record, FAIRIES be warned. I'm not that impressed with you either.

I am seriously disgusted by this action of the elf.  This means WAR!!!