Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Respect the Elderly, especially Beady Eyes

This is Beady Eyes. You may know her as my assistant, but to me, she is so much more.

I'm being very nice because Beady Eyes filed a harassment report on me because of "questionable" behavior-on my part.

"Apparently" my comments regarding her age, smell, gas issues, and nagging were seen as age discrimination. Would I really discriminate against Beady Eyes? Yes..  I mean NO, of course not. She cannot help she is older than the creation of false teeth (which she could use).

So I have had to go to sensitivity classes to learn how to appreciate my aged canine assistant. I have learned so much.  I have become a kinder, less opinionated Basset Hound.

Unfortunately, not everyone can appreciate the aging of my fellow kin and kindred.  However, and this is a big however...

There is one lady who I have come to know that not only loves my Grandmas and Grandpas, she has created a safe, loving haven for them.  The House of Puddles aka HOP.  The House of Puddles was established as a retirement home for aged Basset Hounds to be loved, cared, and spoiled until they cross the Rainbow Bridge.

My new appreciation of working with and loving the Canine Elderly has really been a blessing to this stubborn hound. I have more patience with Beady Eyes.

We can learn a lot from our aged. Their eyes have seen much more than us "youngins" and even if they cannot hear, see, or walk, and even if they have accidents (and blame them on this young gal), I have learned that my life would be incomplete without Beady Eyes and Princess Geritol, the other older lab mix I share with my hooman.

Check out House of Puddles. You will fall in love with these gorgeous Grandmaws and Grandpaws.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Good Help is Hard to Find

I hired a secretary. My hooman was spending way too much time with other things and was neglecting my blog, so I took resumes, did interviews, and hired a secretary.

My choices were: 1) A cat named Timmy, 2) A possum, and 3) Beady Eyes, the poodle mutt I share with my hooman.

After much serious little consideration, I hired Beady Eyes.

Little did I realize Beady Eyes was going to be difficult to train and have a bad attitude.

In orientation, I explained that every five minutes or so, she needed to remind me that I was a wonderful, beautiful creation. My self esteem therapist says it is necessary for me. Beady Eyes knew this when I offered her the job.  Instead what I got was... NAG NAG NAG and BACK TALK from her.

"Please shut up, Beady Eyes"

 I would say something and she would start with her yak yak yak. It was ridiculous.

Now I know Beady Eyes has been around for 84 years or 12 years, whatever, so I know she is old. But seriously, the dog smelled like a mixture of old creamed peas, rotten teeth, and arthritis cream. What I did not expect was her "gas" issue. She had death farts, FREQUENTLY!
I almost vomited!

"I'm gonna puke"

Then, I had to howl things at least 3 times before she could hear me! Beady Eyes needs a hearing aid, GasX, and a breath mint!

"Dear Lord, deliver me from this bad hire."

So here I am, trying to talk to her about simple hygiene and the importance of admiring me on a daily basis.  I don't think she was listening.
So I got louder.... 

And now she is accusing me of harassing her. She had filed a complaint with the hooman.

You know, if the hooman would have just dedicated more time to me and my blog, none of this would have happened. Beady Eyes is threatening to sue. Do you realize this could cost me a least 5 dog treats. I might even have to pawn my jeweled collar to pay legal expenses.

It's all the hooman's fault.

Stoooopid Hooman!
Revenge is mine!
And please get Beady Eyes a hearing aid.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Choosing the Perfect Assistant

Well, the responses to my "Help Wanted" ad have provided the following applicants:

1) A Cat named Timmy: Qualifications include the art of deception which could come in handy with the hooman, flexibility with paws and keyboards, and the ability to hiss back at the possum. Unfortunately, the cat feels that the weekly salary of 3 dog treats is substandard to what it is accustom to receiving in terms of salary.

2) A Possum:  I don't know nor care what it's name is. But according to the EEAC (Equal Employment Animal Control) I HAVE to consider all candidates who have applied. Therefore, I must place my prejudice aside and consider the possum. Qualifications: NONE   Well, that is not completely true. It does have the ability to work a computer with those little, sneaky hands.

3) Beady Eyes: Yes, Beady Eyes, the poodle terrier I share my hooman with has applied to be my assistant. According to the intelligence chart, poodles rank #2.  While I will not argue that, I will say that this is a dog who turns circles at least 20 times before she can poo. Surely, THAT is not a sign of intelligence.  Pros for hiring Beady Eyes include acceptable compensation, will not have to pay relocation costs, and she already knows my management style.

So, I interviewed today and have decided to hire Beady Eyes based on her qualifications and fulfillment of my needs as an assistant.

I will keep you updated on her progress.

Thank you to all 3 of you who applied and sent resumes.

Abbie Basket Hound
CEO of Absolutely Nothing

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Help Wanted: Secretary

Well, my life is busy. There is no possible way I can blog, nap, steal food, nap, eat, sleep, blog, eat, cruise counter, howl needlessly, eat, nap, and hate the possum outside.

My hooman is suppose to take up the slack in the area of my blogging, but lately she is working on a new project that has kept her very busy. Very, very busy.

Wanted: Secretary
Must be on call 24/7. Payment includes three treats a week. Must be intelligent. Must be proficient in word processing or at least know how to operate a keyboard. Must adore me or at least be willing to worship and/or honor me at least daily.  
All POSSUM applications will be rejected.

The Basket Hound
Lover of Bacon
Blogger of Life

Sunday, September 5, 2010

When I die, please bury me in Seattle

Hooman really loves me. Sometimes when she is cuddling with me, she will say, "Abbie, when I die, I want to be buried with you."  Sounds sweet, right? Howl no! That is called "Mutually Assured Destruction."  It doesn't take one and half hooman brains to figure out that my hooman is crazy as howl.

And quite honestly, I don't want to spend eternity in a box with HER anyway. She has bad breath in the morning. Yea, I said it.

Anyway, when I die, I want to be buried in or near 3207 California Ave SW, Seattle, Washington.

It is my heaven.

Some view Heaven as a place with mansions and gold streets.

Some view Heaven as the ultimate eternal nap complete with soft music and fluffy pillows.

My heaven will have one thing and one thing only, BACON!!!!

And someone wiser and more profound in theory has made my dream of BACON HEAVEN a reality.

See hoomans, when dogs die, all dogs go to Heaven. Don't believe me, have you not watched the documentary, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN? Geez... anyway,

while you hoomans debate on what heaven is, my prophecy of eternal bliss has been fulfilled...

in the form of

It is where I can lay down the burdens of everyday life and just feel the love and comfort of a covenant so powerful and fulfilled, that those who dare speak ill of it will be struck by lightening!!!

Please do not dare commit my earthly remains to the Coon Dog Cemetary.  I know my pal, Judy, speaks volumes of it...

but hooman please, if there is one bit of happiness that you would want for me, your beloved Basket Hound, it shall be always and forever... within sniffing distance of The Swinery. 

There, I said it. Now go in Peace to love and serve the Lord. Amen!

And, please lay me down for eternity near the heavenly place of meat candy. 

I've already picked out a box and I'm ready to go...