Monday, February 22, 2010

I demand an endorsement fee...

Once again my human is pimpin' me out to the public. Don't say I blame her, heck I know cute when I see it and bacon...errrr  I mean I am cute.

Check out her latest pimpin' project.

I think you hounds need to hear my side of the story.

First of all,  this is MY HOUSE... MY HOUSE.  I say who can come in and who can clean up after ME!!!  This huge Ninja thingie came in MY HOUSE and literally SUCKED!!!!  I mean really SUCKED up my pet hair, my food spills, and my...ummmmm...proclivities.

It was terrible. I mean, I'm a hound dog and I could not even track MY OWN scent! It smelled like fruit in here. It was too clean. I thought I was at some other hounds house... or even a *gasp* cat's house. It was not like MY house!!! When I was "allowed" to come back in the house, the human actually placed towels in front of the back door. WHAT? HUMAN, you NEVER had a problem with me coming in from the backyard with muddy paws before. Ridiculous.

Oh, and here is the biggie... I GET the blame for the geratric animals.  Ummm, excuse me...but Princess Geritol, who SHEDS worse than I do has the geratric bladder-NOT ME. I don't care if you never see it, I'm just sayin' that she is the OLD one, not me.

Oh, and then there is Phyllis Diller, I mean, Phoebe the Beady Eyed One! She is not so innocent. I guarantee that she sheds and pees when you are not looking. I can't prove it but I will ONE DAY, then you will see that I am the innocent one here, I am not the criminal,  I'M THE VICTIM!

So, human, bring in your Happy Feet Magician and his fancy Ninja 7 Million, I don't care. I have plans of mine own. I need some happy paws.

In the meanwhile, take these goofy shoes off of Beady Eyes, she looks stupid.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

This ain't right!!

Every once and a while, something strange happens among our canine friends. It is a serious problem and we hounds MUST GET THE WORD out. 

I'm not talking about the peeing in the floor issue.
I'm not talking about the snatch, grab and run food issue.
I'm not even talking about the gaseous incidents the humans blame on us.

I'm talking about the Canine/Feline issue.

Hounds beware, the feline MUST not be trusted.  Be it Chihuahua, Lab, Poodle or Heinz 57, YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!! The feline will seduce you with ways in which you never realized what happened to you until it is too late.

Remember Obie? The Tim Tebow of the dog world. Good looking, debonair, and classy...well, it happened to him

So remember, Hounds don't let Hounds become friends with felines.
It's not normal!

Oh, and never, never, never trust a

Monday, February 1, 2010

NO potty mouth, please...

My human had an epiphany over a month ago. She decided that if she or others HAD to use vulgarity or profanity to express themselves, she or they had little to say in terms of intelligent comment. I don't blame her, I mean to refer to me as a (b) itch would be lingustically correct, however to refer to herself or her friends in that manner would be just... not nice, self depreciating, and something that would make her 95 year old grandmother shame her. So she made a resolution to not go "there" in terms of profanity.  I appreciate that. Kinda.

But she has really gotten carried away with the whole anti-potty mouth campaign around the house. Little did I know that this included the potty.  I mean really, the real, get me some water now white water goddess that sits and waits for me to indulge myself is now, off limits.   I honestly have no problem if human slips up and says an explicit when she nails her fingers on the wall or stumps her toe in the door facing, but to completely ban potty mouth has totally stepped over in my territory. This means I no longer have access to the porcelain bowl of aqua. Nope.  I literally have to hunt her down if my stainless steel water bowl appears to be even in the least bit set on the low flow option. I have little patience for this. It's not bad enough that geriatric Princess Geritol consumed the entire bowl in one huge, messy slurp but then Beady Eyes subjects her furry little beast like head into the side with nary a gulp, and the water is gone.

So, I am in quite the dismay over the banned potty mouth and lack of sufficient hydration necessary to keep me up and howling at 3:00am for my romp around the backyard.

Really, human...I'm watching you and one slip up of the potty mouth ban and it's game over for you and your oral moral cause.