Choosing the Perfect Assistant

Well, the responses to my "Help Wanted" ad have provided the following applicants:

1) A Cat named Timmy: Qualifications include the art of deception which could come in handy with the hooman, flexibility with paws and keyboards, and the ability to hiss back at the possum. Unfortunately, the cat feels that the weekly salary of 3 dog treats is substandard to what it is accustom to receiving in terms of salary.

2) A Possum:  I don't know nor care what it's name is. But according to the EEAC (Equal Employment Animal Control) I HAVE to consider all candidates who have applied. Therefore, I must place my prejudice aside and consider the possum. Qualifications: NONE   Well, that is not completely true. It does have the ability to work a computer with those little, sneaky hands.

3) Beady Eyes: Yes, Beady Eyes, the poodle terrier I share my hooman with has applied to be my assistant. According to the intelligence chart, poodles rank #2.  While I will not argue that, I will say that this is a dog who turns circles at least 20 times before she can poo. Surely, THAT is not a sign of intelligence.  Pros for hiring Beady Eyes include acceptable compensation, will not have to pay relocation costs, and she already knows my management style.






So, I interviewed today and have decided to hire Beady Eyes based on her qualifications and fulfillment of my needs as an assistant.

I will keep you updated on her progress.

Thank you to all 3 of you who applied and sent resumes.

Sincerely,
Abbie Basket Hound
CEO of Absolutely Nothing

Help Wanted: Secretary

Well, my life is busy. There is no possible way I can blog, nap, steal food, nap, eat, sleep, blog, eat, cruise counter, howl needlessly, eat, nap, and hate the possum outside.

My hooman is suppose to take up the slack in the area of my blogging, but lately she is working on a new project that has kept her very busy. Very, very busy.

Wanted: Secretary

Must be on call 24/7. Payment includes three treats a week. Must be intelligent. Must be proficient in word processing or at least know how to operate a keyboard. Must adore me or at least be willing to worship and/or honor me at least daily.  

All POSSUM applications will be rejected.

Abbie
The Basket Hound
Lover of Bacon
Blogger of Life

When I die, please bury me in Seattle

Hooman really loves me. Sometimes when she is cuddling with me, she will say, "Abbie, when I die, I want to be buried with you."  Sounds sweet, right? Howl no! That is called "Mutually Assured Destruction."  It doesn't take one and half hooman brains to figure out that my hooman is crazy as howl.

And quite honestly, I don't want to spend eternity in a box with HER anyway. She has bad breath in the morning. Yea, I said it.

Anyway, when I die, I want to be buried in or near 3207 California Ave SW, Seattle, Washington.

It is my heaven.

Some view Heaven as a place with mansions and gold streets.

Some view Heaven as the ultimate eternal nap complete with soft music and fluffy pillows.

My heaven will have one thing and one thing only, BACON!!!!

And someone wiser and more profound in theory has made my dream of BACON HEAVEN a reality.

See hoomans, when dogs die, all dogs go to Heaven. Don't believe me, have you not watched the documentary, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN? Geez... anyway,

while you hoomans debate on what heaven is, my prophecy of eternal bliss has been fulfilled...

in the form of

THE SWINERY

Temple of Porcine Love

It is where I can lay down the burdens of everyday life and just feel the love and comfort of a covenant so powerful and fulfilled, that those who dare speak ill of it will be struck by lightening!!!

Please do not dare commit my earthly remains to the Coon Dog Cemetary.  I know my pal, Judy, speaks volumes of it...

but hooman please, if there is one bit of happiness that you would want for me, your beloved Basket Hound, it shall be always and forever... within sniffing distance of The Swinery. 

There, I said it. Now go in Peace to love and serve the Lord. Amen!

And, please lay me down for eternity near the heavenly place of meat candy. 

I've already picked out a box and I'm ready to go...

Where have I been?

Well, it's true. I have been MIA in the blogging scene for a while.

Let me explain. It's all the hooman's fault.

She has been blah blah blah blah blah. Oh, who cares. She has just been lacking in the secretarial department for me. I would fire her but since we live together and all, I have tried to be patient with her.

See, my world has been turned upside down lately people.

For starters, hooman and the old man RIPPED UP MY CARPET!! Do you people realize that was the ultimate back scratcher for me?

They placed hardwood floors which means I have been taking unforeseen, uninvited, and uncomfortable ice skating lessons across the house. If I slide one more time into the foot of the bed, serious bassety repercussions will take place.

I am still not fully recovered from the CHAIR INCIDENT  of 2009.

Then Summer Heat Wave '10 hit. I don't care if you are hound or hooman, this heat wave has been killer.  And the hooman expects me to go out and take care of business, regardless of the temperature. I mean, flies start following my butt the moment I walk out.  That was probably too much information. It's hot, hounds.

And don't even think for one second I can get away with a little accident. NOOOOOO, Mr. Hardwood is not like Mr. Carpet. Mr. Hardwood tells on me immediately and hooman freaks out.  Which brings me to my newest enemy, Mr. Swiffer Mop.  Just the thought of squatting gives me more guilt than a Catholic before confession.

But the ultimate insult of the year was when the hooman did not take me to BARKWORLD in Atlanta. Do you now how excited I was to go? Do you know disappointed I am to not have gone?

Life for me has been so dadgum boring lately I almost made friends with the possum. Almost!

But I am back. Let's see if my hooman can get it together. In the meanwhile,  did I mention I won 3rd place in the Annual Basset Hound Bash Wiener Toss?

GUESS WHERE I AM GOING!!!!

Public Service Announcement: READ TO YOUR HUMANS!!!

Dear Hounds,

I cannot tell you stress to you enough of the importance of reading to your humans. There are SO MANY benefits that come from a simple daily read.  Once you establish a pattern, you will find your human's imagination soar and their intelligence rise significantly.

You need not start off reading War and Peace to them, a simple poem, illustrated book, or small news article will suffice until your human gains the understanding of larger, more complex issues.  In fact, before you know it, your human may gain the intelligence enough to read on their own or even write a blog.

So please, READ TO YOUR HUMAN and often!

A human mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Love, Abbie

Midnight Sonnet for my Human.

(Howled to the tune of Memory, from the musical CATS)

Daylight

I make dew on the weed flowers

And arose and I'm swaying

Noses smelling the day

Like the scents

I yearn to turn my face to the dawn

I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight

There's my sound from the pavement

Has my human lost her memory?

She is grinding her teeth

In the lamplight

The humans stomps at her feet

And the hound begins to moan

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can howl really loudly

I was beautiful then

Human remembers the time of silence

Let the memory live again

Every critter

Seems to howl a loud warning

And the poodle mutters

And the doghouse is cluttered

And soon it will be morning

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of my loud howls

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

Burnt out earplugs of human

The cold sound of my snoring

The moon is gone, I'm lazy

Another day is dawning

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone cause I'm snoring

In my days in the sun

If you touch me

You'll understand what crankiness is

Look

A new day has begun