Saturday, September 18, 2010

Good Help is Hard to Find

I hired a secretary. My hooman was spending way too much time with other things and was neglecting my blog, so I took resumes, did interviews, and hired a secretary.

My choices were: 1) A cat named Timmy, 2) A possum, and 3) Beady Eyes, the poodle mutt I share with my hooman.

After much serious little consideration, I hired Beady Eyes.

Little did I realize Beady Eyes was going to be difficult to train and have a bad attitude.

In orientation, I explained that every five minutes or so, she needed to remind me that I was a wonderful, beautiful creation. My self esteem therapist says it is necessary for me. Beady Eyes knew this when I offered her the job.  Instead what I got was... NAG NAG NAG and BACK TALK from her.

"Please shut up, Beady Eyes"

 I would say something and she would start with her yak yak yak. It was ridiculous.

Now I know Beady Eyes has been around for 84 years or 12 years, whatever, so I know she is old. But seriously, the dog smelled like a mixture of old creamed peas, rotten teeth, and arthritis cream. What I did not expect was her "gas" issue. She had death farts, FREQUENTLY!
I almost vomited!

"I'm gonna puke"

Then, I had to howl things at least 3 times before she could hear me! Beady Eyes needs a hearing aid, GasX, and a breath mint!

"Dear Lord, deliver me from this bad hire."

So here I am, trying to talk to her about simple hygiene and the importance of admiring me on a daily basis.  I don't think she was listening.
So I got louder.... 

And now she is accusing me of harassing her. She had filed a complaint with the hooman.

You know, if the hooman would have just dedicated more time to me and my blog, none of this would have happened. Beady Eyes is threatening to sue. Do you realize this could cost me a least 5 dog treats. I might even have to pawn my jeweled collar to pay legal expenses.

It's all the hooman's fault.

Stoooopid Hooman!
Revenge is mine!
And please get Beady Eyes a hearing aid.