Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Hound Dog Preparations for Apocalypse 2011

Get ready! It's coming!

Well, for the paranoid insane fatuous unhinged irrational overly prepared individuals  persons associates humans beings people in life, it's been coming for a while.

And for the equally, yet slightly disturbed folks, it might be a Zombie Apocalypse. But that is for another posting at another time. In the meanwhile, if you fit into this category, please refer to the documentary movie Zombieland for further preparation of zombie survival.

So, for those who might feel the Apocalypse coming is some friendly hound advice on how to survive until you are either ready to join the rest of society in death or if you suffer some freaky anti-social anxiety that you like to deny and/or openly practice transference of irrationality upon others including family, friends, and fellow hounds.

Proper Apocalyptic Preparation

Pre-apocalyptic preparation is key to having a successful and fun tolerable comfortable time until your eminent death.  One may decide to curl up into a ball and just sleep until the time comes to kiss your hound arse good bye while others may want to fight the urge to give into what will no doubt be your demise.

If you so chose the later, I highly suggest the following items to help you semi-comfortably pass the hours or possibly days away until you go into an eternal slumber.

If drinking water is important to you, you may want to consider the WATERBOB.

Yes, you can turn your bathtub into freaky water well or instant waterbed with just the touch of a faucet and at least a few hours warning of unknown unpredicted water contamination.  Paranoid about a possible terrorist attack? This is the perfect gift to give your lesser related family members. After all, nothing says Happy Holidays like your very own 100 gallon bathtub liner equipped with a pumper that can be used to pump water or whatever else you see fit to pump throughout the house during the apocalypse.

Since I prefer the continuous flow from the toilet, I see this handy little gift being next year's Dirty Santa present.

Plus, I refuse to give up the one area of the house that I can claim as mine to stand in and howl with little protest.

Everyone knows the Deep South is known for it's wicked cold weather and many, many blizzards.  Before you freeze to death during the apocalypse, you may want to consider wrapping yourself in trash bags since they hold in your body heat.

Or, you can consider spending an extra $3.00 and purchase the incredible, bright orange HEATSHEET.

This dandy little blankie is very comfortable, especially when I try to move around. That crinkly noise is most soothing in realizing my demise is only around the corner.

The good news is, I have plenty of these as they pass them out at most marathons and runs. The bad news, most crazies psychics predict the apocalypse 2011 will come in the Summertime.

Beady Eyes refuses to cuddle in this and only wants to use her Snuggie...
Which makes more sense and appears a lot more comfortable than a cheap ass gift sheet of plastic.

Food supply should be your number one priority during the apocalypse.  Since it will not matter if you eat high fat, high calorie, and carbo loaded vittles, (you are going to die anyway, why not enjoy your last hours), I strongly suggest you eat whatever your heart desires.

My personal picks include...

However, you may also want to stock up on ...

and more...

The fact of the matter is, *IF* the apocalypse occurs this year, do you really want to survive it? Survivalism is over-rated if you are one of the few survivors. What amazes me is the number of paranoid schizophrenics people who have nothing else better to do than think about disasters and pending doom and gloom, all because their personal mental illnesses cause them to get very lonely while in solitary confinement.

Do yourself a favor...get a life before the apocalypse takes it from you.

The best days are those in which we can live a little, howl a lot, and take in as many belly rubs as possible.
Or as the writer C.S. Lewis would say...

"If we are going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things -- praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts -- not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They might break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds."